An Intimate Interview with Porter: Bones, the Sibs, and Getting Real About his Stoopid Parents

“There are tons of twists and turns," Porter tells Spots and Brindle of his journey.

"Black Butte" Porter photographed in the Fairfax part of Falls Church, in May 2020. Credit: E. Larsen

• "Black Butte" Porter sits down for an intimate conversation with SPOTS AND BRINDLE ahead of the launch of his new book, Suck My D***, Mom.

  
  

• Porter opens up about life in the Fairfax part of Falls Church with his dumb millennial mom, his Gen X dad, and his anxiety provoking siblings: Gussie, Cheeze and Mabel-offering a rare glimpse into their world.

  
  

• He also gets candid about the highs and lows of embracing the "Let Them Theory," sharing his latest insights on his journey to set boundaries with his oppressive parents.

It was a disgusting and steamy August day in the Fairfax part of Falls Church when SPOTS AND BRINDLE (S & B) caught up with Porter. He was sitting under a crepe myrtle in his back yard, torturing his brother Cheeze by hoarding the ball Cheeze desperately wanted to play with. Mouth full with Cheeze's ball, he tells us: "Idntactullylikeballz"[I don't actually like balls], "butcheezedooes, soIsteelit" [but Cheeze does so I steal it]. Porter relayed to us that when his brother Cheeze runs to fetch his ball, his favorite part of every day, Porter gleefully and unapologetically snatches the ball and sits under the crepe myrtle. Cheeze circles around him and weeps inconsolably, waiting for Porter to give him his ball back. "Iluvit," [I love it] says Porter, and "no, Ihtfech" [no, I hate fetch] when we asked him if he just wanted to play fetch with Cheeze. "No-," he states, spitting the ball out. "I just like taking joy away from others." So started S & B's interview with Porter.

Porter unapologetic next to the garden.

Roots

Porter was born in the hard scrabble streets of West Virginia-we think-and was adopted by his clueless parents after he had been returned to the shelter twice. When his third and current set or parents signed the paper work and took him home to the FAIRFAX part of Falls Church, not the City of Falls Church, ("Could we get any poorer?" Porter remarked off-handedly), Porter knew he going to run the place. "My mom read one book and thought she could train me-HA HA HA," he reported. "I had her crying the first night."

Porter's mom slowly squeezing the life out him. He has never recovered from this.

Luckily for Porter, his mom is a school teacher and is a bad combination of dumb and tenacious. "She doesn't know how to get out of dysfunctional situations and didn't return me by the end of the two week trial period. I knew then that I would need to do more," Porter disclosed. "I tried nipping all of her friends, which I thought would work since she has no friends and can't afford to lose any....and then I tried going focking nuts when I saw another dog, but she just dug into her broke-ass millennial bank account and hired a trainer who taught her how to have a spine. I played nice for a while after that...kind of" *evil titter*

"The focking trainer recommended that I wear this bandana while my mom learned to train me. I will make sure he never knows happiness again."

The Sibs

Porter was an only dog-child for two years before his parents decided they didn't want him to grow up being a spoiled only-dog-child. "I didn't know how good I had it for those first few years..." Porter trailed off. "I went from being an only-dog-child to having TWO....TWO siblings within one year." [lights cigarette]. "It was rough."

At a still-young age, Porter was put in charge of taking care of his young brother (Cheeze) and younger sister (Gussie). He taught them all of the important things: How to karate kick guests at the door, how to crash out at the Amazon man, and how to put any friendly dog in a choke hold. "My work isn't done yet but they have a solid base of life skills now," Porter reported. "No thanks to my parents," he continued in his most intimate interview in years.

Now, in his later years, he has yet another sibling to take care of. "As if my parents weren't bungling enough up," Porter starts, "they took home this puppy they found on THE STREET. DO YOU KNOW HOW DISGUSTING THE STREET IS? And they just took her into my home...You know what? That's all I have to say about that."

Porter with his siblings - Cheeze (4.5) , Mabel (1.5), and Gussie (5). "They smell. I hate them," laments Porter.

Porter on His Latest Book and Setting Boundaries

Porter's Favorite Book

In order to process his feelings, Porter's therapist recommended that he write out his feelings. His thoughts started slow and then they came pouring out. "I realized I had a whole lot to say to my mom that I had never said before and all of a sudden I couldn't get the pen to stop. It was cathartic." The result was a self-help guide for all the other rescue dogs out there whose parents have no idea what they are doing. The gist of the advice is in the title, "Suck my D***, Mom" which Porter wrote after doing a deep dive into the work of Mel Robbins. "She's a real hero to me," Porter gushed. "I just let my mom stand there at the end of the leash and give me commands and I just ignore her like 'Let her give me commands. Let her get mad. LET ME just continue peeing every 3 feet. It's liberating.'"

Peeing on a bush.

Peeing on a tire.

Peeing on more bushes because this drives my mom crazy.

"Sometimes I eat so much grass that I can't get my poop out on our walks and and I need her to grab it out of my butt; she just starts dry-heaving, though. LET her dry-heave. She makes my dad pick the grass out of my butt. I guess he is useful to me sometimes," relayed Porter.

"Here I am with the grass that my dad told me not to eat sticking out of my ass. My mom always starts dry heaving when this happens so I have to back into my dad and have him pull it out for me."

"I also like to stop, drop, and roll in the middle of our walks when my mom is walking three of us and the other two dogs are moving in the correct direction. Let her be salty about it," Porter bragged.

Looking Towards the Future

Reflecting back on the last six years has Porter feeling pessimistic about the future. "My mom just got a subscription to a dog-training channel, and bought a stand up paddle. DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY HOPE?" Porter charged. But upon a few more minutes of reflection, he realizes there might be a silver lining: "My dad keeps saying 'WHERE THE HELL WE'D GET ALL OF THESE DOGS FROM? THERE'S TOO MANY DOGS HERE." And Porter couldn't agree more.

In the future, he hopes for fewer puppies, more quiet time, more ascots, and less training. Only time will tell how things will unfold for this up and coming rescue from West Virginia who has to live in the Fairfax part of Falls Church.

Porter walking with his family in a park near the house. "It's trash. I hate it here," Porter asserts.